My Growth is not to be Minimized

Reading through 3 and 4 year old blog entries has made me wonder about some things. Have I really changed as much as I think I have? Am I actually growing? I am a very harsh judge of the individual who wrote those posts back then. I am ashamed of her. I deleted many posts refusing to even upload them. I can't stand to think of how immature I was then...

But in reading the content of those entries, I see that I have many of the same struggles as that person. I have 3 and a half years on her, but little good that has done me. Pride, doubt, distance in relationship with Him, distraction, sin - these were her struggles and these are mine. I like to think that I have grown and matured so much. Well, I am married now. I have some real work experience behind me. I'm working on a graduate degree. But obviously, these things are only superficial. 

What has actually changed is my level of contentment. I am content. Yes, it's true that I try to live in the future and neglect the present far too often, but when I slow down to think about it, I am quite content with my present. I have more joy. I have learned to trust Him when I don't know the outcome. To a very small degree, I have learned that He want's what is best for me, and that He alone knows what that is in every circumstance. I have learned to let go of some of my own goals in order to leave room for His. I have even learned what His voice sounds like. I have become less afraid of the judgment of others and I have learned how to turn over my own tendency to judge. I have recognized my intense anger. 

I wish I knew how to walk the line between pride and self-condemnation, but I don't. If I say "I have grown so much" my tendency has been to become prideful of that fact or to try to minimize it by reminding myself of the places I have not grown. On paper, the line looks clear, but it feels so different in my head!

I don't know how much of my growth is God's glory and how much is mine (or shared?). I suppose I don't need to know this and my desire to find out is evidence that the resolution of my pride issue is yet to come. I'm still scared that He will withhold from me what I deserve, or perhaps that I will withhold it from myself out of a fear of pride. Thoughts are complicated. I'm glad I'm writing them down. 

My Faith is Weak

I'm not even sure where my doubts lie, but I know I have them. I know I have them because I know the fear I encounter when I contemplate thinking about them or trying to come up with answers for them. I am scared of  following through on my doubt and being overcome by the seductive appeal of agnosticism or some vague form of theism. I want to be a believer, but how genuine am I if I have to ignore my doubts in order to keep "believing"? - Sounds more like ignorance than belief to me. 

I know I need to deal with the doubt sometime. I need to trust that God, who made me and knows me, will guard me from the fate I fear. He is invested in me and wants to bring me to completion rather than toss me aside as a partially refined precious metal. The hard part is that in my moments of unbelief, I don't know if there is a God there to trust. 

When I fear there is no God (or some other distant god who I don't know) then there is no one I can trust to protect me from running away with my doubts. I must protect and defend myself. But if I do indeed need to protect myself, then my beliefs about God, as I currently know Him, are wrong, and I am not looking to protect myself at that point, but to keep myself misinformed. I guess logic says: If God exists as I currently know Him, then He will protect me from false beliefs (theism, agnosticism, heresy, etc.). However, If God as I currently know Him does not exist, then there is no need for protection. In either case, I do not need to defend myself from exploring the doubt and finding answers. 

It would help, though, to know what my questions are. I used to be certain that my doubts were about the historical Jesus, now I'm not sure. I'll have to think/pray about this one....then I/we (me & Jesus) can start addressing them. I'm actually excited to finally start the process!

My Help is Coming

God, sometimes I get so angry that I exist so confined in this mortal body. Why have you done this? Was it even you who did this? Aren't you in control of everything? Why have you not healed me when I have asked? Are you teaching me something through this? I'm sure you are. I'm sure it's worth it. I'm tired. I think I'm ready for healing now. But what do I know? It sucks that right now I'm trying to argue with you, but I'm too logical to really let that play out. I've been furious. I've been completely over this. But now in expressing this to you I feel that my cup just isn't that big. Others have cried out to you. Can I? Or will it somehow be fake if I do? What a stupid thought.

Even if my physical problems aren't that big, I'm sure my emotional problems are. I would ask that you please heal them at least, but then I know that you already are. I'm asking anyway. I want to focus on some problems and work things out in writing, but everything is too good right now. I don't have the feelings of middle school angst that so easily lend themselves to arguing. Am I supposed to have that? Am I missing something or am I to be grateful for this feeling of peace? I think the latter. Right? It's good to be content I think. Can I be a revolutionary if I'm content?

I don't know the answers. I know that you already know that these are my thoughts right now, but I'm giving them to you anyway. Will you sift through them and give me back the ones I'm supposed to have? Will you toss away the others? Will you stir up in me discontentment where its supposed to be? Will you help me change what I need to change and admit what I need to admit? Will you defend me from now on? I'm ready to turn in defending myself. I don't even know when I need defending so its best that I just step out of that role.

Will you be my motivation? Will you be what I strive toward rather than just the desire I have for others to see you in me? Are these questions even for you? Should I be asking myself instead what I am willing to do? If so, I'm willing to do it all. I know that I can't comprehend the meaning of that, but there's at least a degree to which I know it is true. I'm ready. I want only what you want. If you want to expose me, I think I'm game. But then why would you want that? I don't know, but if you do, I'm game. I don't know how much of this is coming out of my pride. Will you search me and refine me? I'm ready for the pride to go. I'm serious about that. I'm ready for the only thing I boast in to be knowing you. When I get there I'm trusting that you will allow that not to become a pride issue.

I'm glad that I am getting to experience you on earth. What a long life this would otherwise be! I love you. Loving you is kind of like tithing I think. You give me all love and I give you back 10% on the good days. Is this what you were hoping for when you made me? I hope that I look like you. I hope there's a family resemblance so that when I get lost in the grocery store, other people can look at me and know exactly who my father is. That's what I want when I have kids, so I bet you want the same thing. I want to look like you. If I don't will you change me quickly? I do love you. Please help me love you better. Please strengthen my belief in you. Thank you for peace. I feel it.

My Burdens are Self-Imposed

In the same way that God ultimately deserves the glory for all of "my" accomplishments, He also has freed me of the responsibility to perform. I don't have to paddle up stream in my ministry, I just have to turn it over to God and release myself from unrealistic expectations of how much I must achieve. It is stressful to give myself credit for the good works I have done because the logical conclusion I will bring myself to is that I am also to blame for thebad deeds and the good works that have gone undone. Though I know that there is an extent to which I am responsible for my choices and deeds, I have not been called to live a life defined by remorse and guilt.

I think I probably need to try less and just be. The whole problem here seems to be that I have not fully relinquished control of myself to Him. If I had then I wouldn't find myself repeatedly encountering the same struggles and succumbing. I wouldn't have to try so hard to maintain self-control, because He would already be in control. If I could just BE in Christ then the striving, the kind of striving that comes out of myself and depletes me when I am already low, would be unnecessary. Since Christ is already in me, and I in Him, then I already am the real deal. Why am I still performing the role of Christian when that is my ACTUAL identity? And though that is my identity, why do I find myself still driving up-hill using my own makeshift fuel - which I have formed using the clothes off of my own back and the food off of my own plate - when I have an unlimited supply of God's premium grade fuel within reach???

I'm especially frustrated because I know that my exhaustion, my less-than-Christ-like behavior at work, my burdens, are self-imposed. He's already offered to carry them, and I think He already is. I've just gotten so used to having a pack on my back that now my body has to re-learn how to walk upright. I'm carrying a phantom back-pack and the very expectation of its presence is so heavy that I cannot run.

LORD JESUS CHRIST HAVE MERCY ON ME, KAREN, A SINNER........

My Sin is Pride

I have had blogs several times in the past and have even been quite consistent in updating them. Recently, however, for the past two to three years, I have had no blogs, no journals, no diaries, etc. I need to write. I have a ton inside that I need to get out.

I struggle with things that never surface. I allow myself to be alone in my trials. I martyr myself without cause. I slow my healing. I am alone, but I am not reaping the benefits of solitude. I think and I process, but I do not know myself. I want to. I want to reflect, to turn inward, to experience my own internal cognitive and emotive processes, but I run from the experience when I feel it get too close. I play games. I distract myself from fruitful solitude. I am terrified of solitude, not of being apart from people, but of being apart from worthless thoughts. What will I find? Will I even reach that point? Can I reach the point? I am terrified of not playing and re-playing every thought. I am terrified of not worrying about tomorrow. I am terrified of turning in my daydreams in exchange for life.

I dread work, but I dread play too. I feel guilty. I am guilty. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do what I should. The hard thing is that even when I am not doing what I should, the "good person" - ness of my life convinces me that I have arrived. Even now, typing this at work, on the clock, I feel guilty, rightly so. But I know that I will still be complemented for being a good employee and sometimes I let that be enough. I am special. I don't need to try harder because I am already good, great even.

I sit in judgment of others and marvel at my own excellence. I am cocky. I am boastful, but only to God and myself. I am proud that I am able to appear humble despite my near perfection. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the energy it takes to compare myself to everyone else. I'm sick of not allowing myself to have friends because I have placed them in a lower class than my own. I don't want to say "it was God" when someone appreciates MY actions. I want to deserve the complement and take it all for myself. I'm jealous of God. What do I do with that??