My Growth is not to be Minimized

Reading through 3 and 4 year old blog entries has made me wonder about some things. Have I really changed as much as I think I have? Am I actually growing? I am a very harsh judge of the individual who wrote those posts back then. I am ashamed of her. I deleted many posts refusing to even upload them. I can't stand to think of how immature I was then...

But in reading the content of those entries, I see that I have many of the same struggles as that person. I have 3 and a half years on her, but little good that has done me. Pride, doubt, distance in relationship with Him, distraction, sin - these were her struggles and these are mine. I like to think that I have grown and matured so much. Well, I am married now. I have some real work experience behind me. I'm working on a graduate degree. But obviously, these things are only superficial. 

What has actually changed is my level of contentment. I am content. Yes, it's true that I try to live in the future and neglect the present far too often, but when I slow down to think about it, I am quite content with my present. I have more joy. I have learned to trust Him when I don't know the outcome. To a very small degree, I have learned that He want's what is best for me, and that He alone knows what that is in every circumstance. I have learned to let go of some of my own goals in order to leave room for His. I have even learned what His voice sounds like. I have become less afraid of the judgment of others and I have learned how to turn over my own tendency to judge. I have recognized my intense anger. 

I wish I knew how to walk the line between pride and self-condemnation, but I don't. If I say "I have grown so much" my tendency has been to become prideful of that fact or to try to minimize it by reminding myself of the places I have not grown. On paper, the line looks clear, but it feels so different in my head!

I don't know how much of my growth is God's glory and how much is mine (or shared?). I suppose I don't need to know this and my desire to find out is evidence that the resolution of my pride issue is yet to come. I'm still scared that He will withhold from me what I deserve, or perhaps that I will withhold it from myself out of a fear of pride. Thoughts are complicated. I'm glad I'm writing them down. 

My Faith is Weak

I'm not even sure where my doubts lie, but I know I have them. I know I have them because I know the fear I encounter when I contemplate thinking about them or trying to come up with answers for them. I am scared of  following through on my doubt and being overcome by the seductive appeal of agnosticism or some vague form of theism. I want to be a believer, but how genuine am I if I have to ignore my doubts in order to keep "believing"? - Sounds more like ignorance than belief to me. 

I know I need to deal with the doubt sometime. I need to trust that God, who made me and knows me, will guard me from the fate I fear. He is invested in me and wants to bring me to completion rather than toss me aside as a partially refined precious metal. The hard part is that in my moments of unbelief, I don't know if there is a God there to trust. 

When I fear there is no God (or some other distant god who I don't know) then there is no one I can trust to protect me from running away with my doubts. I must protect and defend myself. But if I do indeed need to protect myself, then my beliefs about God, as I currently know Him, are wrong, and I am not looking to protect myself at that point, but to keep myself misinformed. I guess logic says: If God exists as I currently know Him, then He will protect me from false beliefs (theism, agnosticism, heresy, etc.). However, If God as I currently know Him does not exist, then there is no need for protection. In either case, I do not need to defend myself from exploring the doubt and finding answers. 

It would help, though, to know what my questions are. I used to be certain that my doubts were about the historical Jesus, now I'm not sure. I'll have to think/pray about this one....then I/we (me & Jesus) can start addressing them. I'm actually excited to finally start the process!