But in reading the content of those entries, I see that I have many of the same struggles as that person. I have 3 and a half years on her, but little good that has done me. Pride, doubt, distance in relationship with Him, distraction, sin - these were her struggles and these are mine. I like to think that I have grown and matured so much. Well, I am married now. I have some real work experience behind me. I'm working on a graduate degree. But obviously, these things are only superficial.
What has actually changed is my level of contentment. I am content. Yes, it's true that I try to live in the future and neglect the present far too often, but when I slow down to think about it, I am quite content with my present. I have more joy. I have learned to trust Him when I don't know the outcome. To a very small degree, I have learned that He want's what is best for me, and that He alone knows what that is in every circumstance. I have learned to let go of some of my own goals in order to leave room for His. I have even learned what His voice sounds like. I have become less afraid of the judgment of others and I have learned how to turn over my own tendency to judge. I have recognized my intense anger.
I wish I knew how to walk the line between pride and self-condemnation, but I don't. If I say "I have grown so much" my tendency has been to become prideful of that fact or to try to minimize it by reminding myself of the places I have not grown. On paper, the line looks clear, but it feels so different in my head!
I don't know how much of my growth is God's glory and how much is mine (or shared?). I suppose I don't need to know this and my desire to find out is evidence that the resolution of my pride issue is yet to come. I'm still scared that He will withhold from me what I deserve, or perhaps that I will withhold it from myself out of a fear of pride. Thoughts are complicated. I'm glad I'm writing them down.
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