My Momentum is in the Wrong Direction (from previous blog)

I guess its been a while since I posted. I normally feel like I have so much to say. For the past few months I've been really excited about my faith and I've wanted to talk about it perhaps more than ever before. But last night I found myself in a different place. Last night, at M&M during the 2nd worship song I realized that the past 2 or 3 weeks have been different. 

I've been slowly falling away from God, slowly returning to my old habits. I've been apathetic, selfish, unloving. I'm not trying to say that before I had overcome these things, but at least I had been allowing God to work in my life and then I just stopped. If I've behaved this way toward any of you who are reading this, I'm sorry. I haven't felt as far away from God as I felt last night probably since before the school year started. I haven't been reading the Bible and I seem to have let go of the desire I had so recently to be closer to God and to live my life to serve Him. 

I've been in this place so many times before. Its me who has moved away from Him and not the other way around, but every time I return to this state I find it so hard to get back. Now I'm just sort of longing...not necessarily even to be closer to God but to long to be closer to God. I want the desire back, but I find it so difficult to pray right now. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I could really use it.

My Pride is not Confidence (from previous blog)

Is pride the problem? - The reason I care so much about what others think? Or does my concern over what others think lead to pride? It seems like I care more about people not thinking I'm a hypocrite than actually not being one. I suppose it doesn't matter which of these problems led to the others. The point is, I'm struggling with all of them... But it doesn't just stop there. These weaknesses are also affecting many other aspects of my life.. specifically, prayer, praise, and witnessing. 

I started thinking about this a lot yesterday when Tina told me I might want to consider taking her place as prayer group leader at CCH when she leaves. I became very uncomfortable with the idea. Praying aloud in large groups of people has always made me feel a little uneasy. But why? I believe that prayer should be nothing more than speaking to God from the heart. This can be done silently or out loud. But when I pray for a group of people I feel like everything I say is said for the benefit of those around me. I sometimes get distracted and my prayers become a way for me to appear to be a good Christian in front of my peers. Using prayer this way completely disgusts me, but I know I've done it in the past and I fear that I will continue. 

The way I praise God has also been affected in a similar way. I'm afraid to sing to God in front of others. I'm afraid people will see me and realize that all too often, my behavior just doesn't line up with the words I sing. I'm proclaiming one thing with my mouth and another with my actions. The concern itself seems to be legitimate, but my motivation is entirely wrong. Rather than worrying about people thinking I'm a terrible person, I should be concerned with bringing glory to God. When unbelievers watch me, they shouldn't see a hypocritical Christian, they should see someone fully devoted to God in words and actions. My sole motivation for doing anything should be to glorify God in everything I do. 

I'm sure that if I would just live that way, then all these problems of pride and hypocrisy would be overcome. I would have no problems witnessing to people because in doing so, I would be glorifying God and potentially being used to further His kingdom. Whether by talking to someone about God or just living as an example of Christ's love, God would use me because of my willingness to glorify Him always. But as much as I want to say that I've reached that point, I'm just not there yet. 

1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 

This verse says to me that every single thing we do has the potential to glorify God. We have hundreds if not thousands of opportunities every day to glorify God. Even at the most seemingly insignificant moments, we can choose to glorify Him. I've been awake for about 6 hours today and cant think of a single thing I've done to bring glory to His name. No matter what I'm doing, I want to be living my life for Him. I want to stop wasting time thinking about myself and start living a life of worship. I want to be used, but I first need to be willing.

My Real Need is to be Broken (from previous blog)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. - James 1:2-5 

So right now my life is going just wonderfully. I'm in a constant (or near constant) state of superficial happines. But I'm not content. I want more than to be happy. For once I want to do something meaningul without a selfish motivation. I want to grow spiritually. I want patience. I want to face trials so severe that the only way I can possibly get through them is by looking to God. I want to be reminded of just how much I need Him. I dont want simply to be happy. I want joy. I want to experience joy even in the worst of situations. I want my faith to be so strong that even in the midst of pain and suffering I can have joy in knowing that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. 

I've been wondering lately if there's a reason I havent been faced with any trials recently. Is my faith too weak? Am I such a lukewarm Christian that Satan doesnt even consider me a threat? This isnt what I want. I want to be broken and rebuilt by the gentle hands of the Creator. 

In the words of Sonicflood: 

Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for

Brokenness is what I need
Brokenness, brokenness is what
You want from me 

So, take my heart and form it

Take my mind transform it
Take my will conform it
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:23,24

My Hypocrisy is made Obvious (from previous blog)

Gainesville is always crazy on game nights. I was driving around campus this evening looking at all the people, traffic everywhere, and parking lots overflowing with cars. I have no idea how many people actually go to the games, but I know its a lot. I was really sad today when I was looking around and overhearing conversations. So many people dont have Christ's love in them, and tonight it was really obvious to me. But the part about this whole thing that makes me the saddest is the role of Christians in all of this. 

So many of us (myself included) are such hypocrites. We say we love everyone and we say we are unashamed of the Gospel, but what are we doing about it? If we really love people as Christ has commanded us then why do we sit and watch as they reject Christ. It seems to me like most of us are doing nothing. We know exaclty what we should be doing and we know the eternal consequence for those who dont give their lives to Christ yet we continue to do nothing (or very little). And when we do some little thing that outwardly appears to be a step in the right direction we become prideful as if it were out of our own power that we did this good deed (at least I know I do that). 

I have this unrealistic hope that somewhere there's a Christian out there who has, with Christ's help, been able to overcome all the sin in his life. But I know that the only truly godly person who has ever lived is Jesus Christ, and many times I wish I could have been alive back then so I could see God's perfect example of love and humility right before my eyes. Sometimes the most disappointing thing for me is to see someone I regard as very godly do something wrong. Even if its a sin that generally goes unnoticed, my hope crumbles. Putting my faith in people is ridiculous and will always lead to disappointment. I just need to remember to keep my eyes fixed on Christ as my example and foundation.

My Heart is Prone to Wander (from previous blog)

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. -2 Peter 3:18 

I love this verse, but for many years I have had a lot of difficulty applying it to my life. I was saved 14 years ago and since then my relationship with God has been like a rollercoaster. There have been times when I clearly felt the presence of God in my life and times where I wondered where He was. But He has never left me; every time, it was me who wandered away from Him. And each time that I come back to Him, He is there with loving arms wide open waiting to embrace me. But why do I wander? 

I know that there is nothing better than to be in His will. But still, I feel the need to place myself in control. It always makes me sad when I look at where I am in my walk with God compared to new believers. Its been 14 years, but spiritually, I have never progressed out of infancy. 

Nothing I could possibly want for myself could ever compare to what God has in store for me. I want what He has for me, but I feel as though I am not allowing Him to give it to me. I want to grow, to be close to Him, to serve Him, to bring glory to His name, to desire nothing more than this.

My Heart is Yours (from previous blog)

Today (Tuesday, even thought its really Wed. morning) was awesome! 

Lord I give You my heart, I give You my soul. I live for You alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me....This is how I want to live my life every day. I'm definitely gonna take Bob's advice and post it somewhere, like my mirror or something, so I can see it every morning. 

I think that's really all I have to say.