My Glory Comes from Knowing Him (from previous blog)

So I was reading this morning and I came across something interesting. It was really random but here it is: In the book, Chrono is a kid who is really good at a sport similar to baseball and this is a quote about him. "Clearly, Chrono was the most glorious thing the children had ever seen on Mars, and any glory they themselves had came from their association with him. They would do anything to make his glory grow." 

So my thought was, this is exactly the way we should be thinking of God. We should want nothing more than to make His glory grow. The only meaning we have ourselves is purely from our association with Him, when we are so close to Him that others can see His glory through us. Well, that pretty much sums up my random thought of the day.

From The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut

My Knowledge isn't Knowing (from previous blog)

So I realized that I have all this knowledge about God but I barely know Him. I can recite several verses from the Bible but I just don't seem to apply them to my life. I'm looking forward to a time when I can be in constant communication with God without even having to concentrate on it. For now, I have a really hard time doing that at the same time as anything else. So I guess its gonna take a lot of practice.

I'm generally not a huge fan of Christian literature other than the Bible, but I figured that maybe right now I could use it. So I started reading The God You Can Know since I saw it in my dad's bookcase. It says some really awesome things. Many of the Christian authors I have read sound very pompous and wordy and I have a hard time reading them, but Dan DeHaan puts everything in very simple terms. I can actually relate to the stuff he's saying and its really cool. Forgive me if I sound like an advertisement or something you might read on the back of a book. Here are a couple quotes I came across in the book that really stood out to me.

"Knowing a lot about the Word of God without knowing the God of the Word always produces pride." -So this one explains me pretty well. I know so much more about God than I actually know Him. Taking in knowledge has never been difficult for me but having a real relationship with God has been my biggest struggle. I keep trying to grow by reading the Bible alone and it just doesn't work. All I am doing is expanding my knowledge about God while my personal relationship with Him gets weaker.

"How dare we receive such a gift as total forgiveness of sins and then not be indebted to the One who gave it!" -Wow! In my human understanding of things I cant even seem to grasp the true nature of this gift. This is undoubtedly the reason for my failure to give Him the thanks He deserves. However, because this gift is so huge that it is beyond anything I can fathom, I should thank Him for it all the more. 1 Corinthians 6:19,20 says "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

"All the running after spiritual 'highs' will fade during the days of persecution. All that will remain is the stability and contentment that can only be obtained through knowing God." - My November 9th post was entirely about this subject. I was looking forward to facing trials that would bring me a deeper knowledge and understand of God rather than about Him. I was sure that I needed big trials in order to know God more intimately, but I have a hard enough time seeking Him during the small ones. I face trials every day. I have plenty of opportunity to strengthen my relationship with God. I just need to be seeking Him diligently.

My Selfishness is Manipulative (from previous blog)

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. - Romans 7:21-23 

Once again I've found myself gradually drifting away from God. It seems that I'm able to stay on track for only a few days before I realize that I haven't been talking to Him as much as I need to. I haven't been reading the Bible like I should. I am once again trying to reclaim control of my life. I don't even understand how one day I'm so close to God and I want nothing outside of what He has for me and the next day that desire is only a memory. I'm so quick to make decisions on my own that really I should be praying about first. I should always be praying...about everything. 

Lately I've been taking every possible opportunity to get what I want. I'm so blinded by my own selfish desires that so often I forget that what He has for me is much better than what I want for myself. I am selfish in my prayers. I tend to pray only when I think I need Him. I'm so foolish in thinking this way. I'm foolish for not thanking Him and praising Him always and I'm foolish for thinking that there is ever any time that I don't need Him. I keep thinking to myself every time that I feel close to God, "this time I wont wander away." I've tasted His goodness, but still, I stray. I know how wonderful it is to be in His will, but I continue in selfish pursuit of my own wants. 

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." - Luke 9:23 

I know what the problem is and I know exactly what I need to do about it. I think that following Christ is a decision I need to make daily. What I'm not sure of is how to keep God at the top of my thoughts. So I'm thinking that this is the reason for my wandering. The number of activities I can do without even the thought of God entering my mind is absurd. My priorities are all wrong. I guess I just need to pray about it. I need to wake up in the morning and commit each day to God, and I cant stop there. My communication with God and my dedication to Him needs to be continuous. 

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

My Gifts are from Above: First Date with Carter ;) (from previous blog)

I spent a lot of today outdoors. The weather was beautiful. Sprinkles of rain came occasionally, but nothing unpleasant. I've been having a difficult time appreciating God lately. I wonder if the good things that are happening to me are God's blessings on me or mere coincidence. I have a hard time thanking God because I analyze everything and tell myself that God isnt necessarily involved in whatever good I'm experiencing. But when I do this, I'm wrong. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. - James 1:17 

So I've determined that another reason I have difficulty praying is that I have a hard time realizing God's love for me. I dont doubt that He loves me, I just have a hard time seeing it in the little things. I was sitting outside on a bench today when I prayed about this. I prayed that God would reveal His love to me through even the things that I usually deem coincidental or meaningless. When I prayed I didnt really "feel" anything emotionally, but as I sat there silently, I felt the wind against my face and it was the most beautiful feeling I've experienced in a long time. 

God has given me so much. I know this in my head, but its not always easy for me to know it in my heart. I know He loves me because the Bible tells me He does and because it is made evident in His creation. There is no reason for me to doubt this. Every good and perfect gift is from above. When I smile or laugh or feel good I need to rejoice because God loves me and has given me these things. There are so many reasons to be thankful I couldnt count them all up if I spent the rest of my life trying to. They arent coincidental; God has put them here because He loves us.

My Good Times Still Need God (from previous blog)

So, I think most people know that I'm generally happy. Everything has been going smoothly in my life. No major worries or trials have come my way. I've just been happy. I didn't think I could be any happier...or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I didn't think I could be any more content. But I am now. So everything is wonderful :) But here's the problem..... 

Sometimes when I am feeling this way (life is great) I have a tendency to think I can take care of things on my own. I think maybe I don't need God as much as I thought. I couldn't be more wrong. I need God's guidance now more than ever. So right now, I'm a little scared. I'm scared that I will stop talking to God and try to control my life even more than I have been. 

Its so ridiculous that during life's high points, I'm not thanking God for bringing me here. Rather, I'm thinking that I can handle everything without Him, as if I brought myself this far. I just need to remember that I cant do anything without God. There's a Todd Fields song that explains this perfectly. Its called "Apart From You" 

I cant do anything

I cant say anything

I cant face anything apart from You

Because You are everything

and so my soul will sing

I cant do anything apart from You 

So I guess I just need to remember that I need Him to do even the simple things like getting out of bed in the morning. I need to keep praying and remember everything He's done for me. Without Him I can do nothing.

My Imperfection has Become My Excuse (from previous blog)

Today (or yesterday technically) wasn't really the best day ever. I spent the whole day in fairly deep thought and confusion about God, guys, and myself. But I got to talk to a few people about it and I'm feeling okay now. I somehow had the idea in my head that at some point in my life God would be finished working on me. But that is ridiculous since I never honestly believed that I would be perfect, at least while I'm living on this earth. I kind of felt that I couldn't do anything until He was finished molding me into what He wants me to be. Now, I think I understand more clearly. 

I was once told that if you aren't moving forward in your relationship with God, you must be moving backwards. At the time, I thought this was totally ridiculous. But not anymore. I now think that it's not the being perfect that is the important thing; its the willingness to try. As long as I'm striving to be Christ-like, that's what matters. As long as I'm moving forward, that's where God wants me to be. 

I'm never going to be perfect and I can't use that as an excuse to lock myself in my bedroom and never be used by God. God uses those who are willing. That's what I want. I want to be open to whatever God has for me. I don't want to be scared of what that is. I don't want to try to control what happens in my life. The Lord will provide. 

Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. - Psalm 37:3-5 

So here's the cool part. God is going to give me the desires of my heart...AWESOME!!! But there's a catch. I have to find my delight in the Lord. I need to stop being so focused on myself. I need to trust Him and love Him with all that I am. 

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. - Romans 12:2 

So I think this is how to accomplish this. I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. When my desires align with His will for my life then He will give me the desires of my heart. Here's where I need to be. I need to be in constant prayer that God will take my will and conform it to His. 

Talking to God is my first step. This is tough for me. Sometimes I feel like the desire to talk to God just isn't there. I hate feeling that way. I want to desire that. So what happens when I just don't want to pray? Do I just start moving backwards in my relationship with God? I asked a friend this question earlier today and I got a really awesome response. "NO! You pray anyways." I don't have to want to pray. I don't have to want to read the Bible. I just have do it. 

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” - John 8:31,32 

Jesus didn't tell them anything about wanting to abide in His word. They just needed to do it. In the same way, I need to persevere in prayer. I need to be willing and God will give me the desires of my heart.

My Need to be in Control is a Hindrance (from previous blog)

So lately I've been trying to hide my emotion. I've been making almost every decision based solely on what I think, rather than what I feel. I don't even want to let myself feel things because I don't want to get hurt. I think that's why. I have been trying to completely control my life and haven't been giving everything over to God. I want to, but its so hard. I sometimes think that if I think everything through I will be able to always make the decisions that will lead me to the place where I want to be in my life. The problem with this is that I don't know where I'm supposed to be in my life. I don't know what God has planned for me. I want what he has for me, but my decisions are based on what I want for myself. If I continue the way I have been I'll never get there. 

I think this might be part of the reason its been so hard for me to pray lately. When I pray, I'm giving God control and taking it out of my own hands. This is scary for me. He's given me the opportunity to have no more worries because He is in control. I dont need to be afraid or try to protect myself by hiding my emotions because He is my protector. 

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalm 27:1

My Momentum is in the Wrong Direction (from previous blog)

I guess its been a while since I posted. I normally feel like I have so much to say. For the past few months I've been really excited about my faith and I've wanted to talk about it perhaps more than ever before. But last night I found myself in a different place. Last night, at M&M during the 2nd worship song I realized that the past 2 or 3 weeks have been different. 

I've been slowly falling away from God, slowly returning to my old habits. I've been apathetic, selfish, unloving. I'm not trying to say that before I had overcome these things, but at least I had been allowing God to work in my life and then I just stopped. If I've behaved this way toward any of you who are reading this, I'm sorry. I haven't felt as far away from God as I felt last night probably since before the school year started. I haven't been reading the Bible and I seem to have let go of the desire I had so recently to be closer to God and to live my life to serve Him. 

I've been in this place so many times before. Its me who has moved away from Him and not the other way around, but every time I return to this state I find it so hard to get back. Now I'm just sort of longing...not necessarily even to be closer to God but to long to be closer to God. I want the desire back, but I find it so difficult to pray right now. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I could really use it.

My Pride is not Confidence (from previous blog)

Is pride the problem? - The reason I care so much about what others think? Or does my concern over what others think lead to pride? It seems like I care more about people not thinking I'm a hypocrite than actually not being one. I suppose it doesn't matter which of these problems led to the others. The point is, I'm struggling with all of them... But it doesn't just stop there. These weaknesses are also affecting many other aspects of my life.. specifically, prayer, praise, and witnessing. 

I started thinking about this a lot yesterday when Tina told me I might want to consider taking her place as prayer group leader at CCH when she leaves. I became very uncomfortable with the idea. Praying aloud in large groups of people has always made me feel a little uneasy. But why? I believe that prayer should be nothing more than speaking to God from the heart. This can be done silently or out loud. But when I pray for a group of people I feel like everything I say is said for the benefit of those around me. I sometimes get distracted and my prayers become a way for me to appear to be a good Christian in front of my peers. Using prayer this way completely disgusts me, but I know I've done it in the past and I fear that I will continue. 

The way I praise God has also been affected in a similar way. I'm afraid to sing to God in front of others. I'm afraid people will see me and realize that all too often, my behavior just doesn't line up with the words I sing. I'm proclaiming one thing with my mouth and another with my actions. The concern itself seems to be legitimate, but my motivation is entirely wrong. Rather than worrying about people thinking I'm a terrible person, I should be concerned with bringing glory to God. When unbelievers watch me, they shouldn't see a hypocritical Christian, they should see someone fully devoted to God in words and actions. My sole motivation for doing anything should be to glorify God in everything I do. 

I'm sure that if I would just live that way, then all these problems of pride and hypocrisy would be overcome. I would have no problems witnessing to people because in doing so, I would be glorifying God and potentially being used to further His kingdom. Whether by talking to someone about God or just living as an example of Christ's love, God would use me because of my willingness to glorify Him always. But as much as I want to say that I've reached that point, I'm just not there yet. 

1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 

This verse says to me that every single thing we do has the potential to glorify God. We have hundreds if not thousands of opportunities every day to glorify God. Even at the most seemingly insignificant moments, we can choose to glorify Him. I've been awake for about 6 hours today and cant think of a single thing I've done to bring glory to His name. No matter what I'm doing, I want to be living my life for Him. I want to stop wasting time thinking about myself and start living a life of worship. I want to be used, but I first need to be willing.

My Real Need is to be Broken (from previous blog)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. - James 1:2-5 

So right now my life is going just wonderfully. I'm in a constant (or near constant) state of superficial happines. But I'm not content. I want more than to be happy. For once I want to do something meaningul without a selfish motivation. I want to grow spiritually. I want patience. I want to face trials so severe that the only way I can possibly get through them is by looking to God. I want to be reminded of just how much I need Him. I dont want simply to be happy. I want joy. I want to experience joy even in the worst of situations. I want my faith to be so strong that even in the midst of pain and suffering I can have joy in knowing that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. 

I've been wondering lately if there's a reason I havent been faced with any trials recently. Is my faith too weak? Am I such a lukewarm Christian that Satan doesnt even consider me a threat? This isnt what I want. I want to be broken and rebuilt by the gentle hands of the Creator. 

In the words of Sonicflood: 

Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for

Brokenness is what I need
Brokenness, brokenness is what
You want from me 

So, take my heart and form it

Take my mind transform it
Take my will conform it
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:23,24

My Hypocrisy is made Obvious (from previous blog)

Gainesville is always crazy on game nights. I was driving around campus this evening looking at all the people, traffic everywhere, and parking lots overflowing with cars. I have no idea how many people actually go to the games, but I know its a lot. I was really sad today when I was looking around and overhearing conversations. So many people dont have Christ's love in them, and tonight it was really obvious to me. But the part about this whole thing that makes me the saddest is the role of Christians in all of this. 

So many of us (myself included) are such hypocrites. We say we love everyone and we say we are unashamed of the Gospel, but what are we doing about it? If we really love people as Christ has commanded us then why do we sit and watch as they reject Christ. It seems to me like most of us are doing nothing. We know exaclty what we should be doing and we know the eternal consequence for those who dont give their lives to Christ yet we continue to do nothing (or very little). And when we do some little thing that outwardly appears to be a step in the right direction we become prideful as if it were out of our own power that we did this good deed (at least I know I do that). 

I have this unrealistic hope that somewhere there's a Christian out there who has, with Christ's help, been able to overcome all the sin in his life. But I know that the only truly godly person who has ever lived is Jesus Christ, and many times I wish I could have been alive back then so I could see God's perfect example of love and humility right before my eyes. Sometimes the most disappointing thing for me is to see someone I regard as very godly do something wrong. Even if its a sin that generally goes unnoticed, my hope crumbles. Putting my faith in people is ridiculous and will always lead to disappointment. I just need to remember to keep my eyes fixed on Christ as my example and foundation.

My Heart is Prone to Wander (from previous blog)

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. -2 Peter 3:18 

I love this verse, but for many years I have had a lot of difficulty applying it to my life. I was saved 14 years ago and since then my relationship with God has been like a rollercoaster. There have been times when I clearly felt the presence of God in my life and times where I wondered where He was. But He has never left me; every time, it was me who wandered away from Him. And each time that I come back to Him, He is there with loving arms wide open waiting to embrace me. But why do I wander? 

I know that there is nothing better than to be in His will. But still, I feel the need to place myself in control. It always makes me sad when I look at where I am in my walk with God compared to new believers. Its been 14 years, but spiritually, I have never progressed out of infancy. 

Nothing I could possibly want for myself could ever compare to what God has in store for me. I want what He has for me, but I feel as though I am not allowing Him to give it to me. I want to grow, to be close to Him, to serve Him, to bring glory to His name, to desire nothing more than this.

My Heart is Yours (from previous blog)

Today (Tuesday, even thought its really Wed. morning) was awesome! 

Lord I give You my heart, I give You my soul. I live for You alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me....This is how I want to live my life every day. I'm definitely gonna take Bob's advice and post it somewhere, like my mirror or something, so I can see it every morning. 

I think that's really all I have to say.

My God Does Supply (from previous blog)

Today has been one of those "blah" days. I wasnt as happy as I usually am and I think its just because I've had a lot on my mind lately. This morning in church we sang that song "All of You is more than enough for all of me". sorry. I dont know the real title. It brought to mind a whole bunch of thoughts. First I wondered why so many times I dont behave like God is all I need. I act so discontent over little things. He will provide for me and I know that, but even if He doesnt give me everything I think I need, its ok because the only thing I really do need is Him. Even though I know this, my behaviors just dont seem to line up. 

Recently I've been thinking a lot about school and guys. Probably 90% of my time within the past 2 months has been spent thinking about those two things alone. That's ridiculous. School has been pretty straight forward. "I'll study some, God, then will you please help me get an A?" So I do the work and I occasionally get the grade I was hoping for and its not too big of a problem. 

Unfortunately, guys are much more complicated than school. I've felt the need recently to have a boyfriend who will hopefully in the not too distant future become my husband. For whatever reason, I've struggled more with this issue than any other. I'm not necessarily worried that God wont give me someone eventually, but I have been really impatient lately. By not completely giving this up to God, I'm basically telling Him that He's not all I need. If I'm having this hard of a time allowing God to be in control of my life, I hardly think I'm ready to be dating someone. I really hate that idea. A pastor of mine once said that the only reason for marriage is when a man and woman can each serve God more effectively together than separately. I need to make serving God the desire of my heart and then will everything else fall into place. That is where He wants me to be so I'm sure with His help, I can get there. Meanwhile, I'll be praying for patience.

My Self has Changed Since Then... (from previous blog)

Hello to whoever's reading this, So I've never done a blog (at least a non political one) or whatever this is before but I guess I'll start. I dont actually know what I'm supposed to write about so here's something that's been on my mind recently....

Lately, I've been really irritated with what I'm seeing in movies and on tv. The vast majority of movies and shows are completely devoid of any real meaning. I understand that not all tv falls into this category, but I cant seem to find any justification for watching most things. Although it wasnt long ago that television occupied the majority of my spare time, I just cant understand sitting down to waste an hour or two of my time while exposing myself to violence, sex, and profanity...and that doesnt even cover half of it. 

If I count up all the hours each week I spend watching tv/movies, I'd probably come up with a number somewhere in the vecinity of 5-8 hrs. Wow. It doesnt even feel like I watch much and I certainly watched much more in the past, but still, that's a lot of time. What a waste! ...and then I complain about not having enough time. no time for God. no time for family. no time for school. For whatever reason, I allow tv to completely rearrange my priorities and in doing so I become preoccupied with even more things that shouldnt be on my mind. 

Here's the part that really bothers me about tv. The images and words I allow myself to see and hear are going to remain in my memory for a very long time. I have images in my head from movies I saw 10 years ago. Is Hollywood's portrayal of life really what I want to be feeding myself? I was so frustrated by this a few years ago that I made a commitment not to watch television or movies for a year. I lasted one month. I'm not a big fan of making promises I cant keep so I'm not gonna make another commitment like that one. But this is seriously having a negative effect on my thoughts. 

Paul tells us in Philippians 4:8 to think about things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, virtuous, and praiseworthy. Right now I'm really struggling with that and I'm not even sure how to handle it. I'm not as close to God as I should be and right now it feels really obvious.