My Desire is to Seek Him: Struggling (from previous blog)

I've been struggling with something pretty big lately. Though I desire to want to do what is right and good and godly, I seem only to want what I know is wrong. My desires for these things have recently been outweiging my desire to do right so much so, that even in the moment when I am doing what I should not be doing I think about Christ's suffering for me and how much I am hurting Him and yet I push Him out of my mind and continue to sin.

My desires right now couln't be further from God's. I want to return to where I was not long ago when I truly wanted to please Him. Now, I claim to want conviction. But when I am convicted of something, I ignore the conviction without thinking twice. No wonder it is becoming so hard for me to hear God speak to me. I have become so used to blocking His voice out or just ignoring Him that I probably don't always notice when He speaks to me now.

Before I started writing this post Romans 7 came to mind. At least Paul's desires were in the right place, even if he wasn't always able to resist sin. At least his aim was to please God. I long to long for that again but right now that's not where I am. Even worse is that I know exactly how to get back to that point and I know that it is the right thing to do, but I'm not sure that's what I'm going to do.

My Focus is Off: 15 Minutes of Fame....or Not (from previous blog)

My friends and I were talking today about embarrassing childhood memories. It was quite entertaining as well as humiliating as more and more embarrassing events kept coming to mind. What was comforting is that one of the friends I was talking with had actually gone through some very similar experiences in his childhood. Because the conversation was so enjoyable, mostly at my expense, I decided to share it with whoever may be reading this.

The focus of our conversation was our childhood experiences as members of a band. When I was about 10 I had a very strong desire to be in a band. Despite my lack of ability in the song writing department, I was determined to come up with Christian lyrics to as many songs as I possibly could. And I didn't stop there, I also composed every song I wrote (It isn't everyone who can do that successfully at age 10) using only 5 keys on my keyboard (so that I could play comfortably with one hand). I really was quite proud of myself, being only 10, and still having managed to become a song writer and composer. I was quite talented compared to the rest of my peer group.

I didn't come from a musical background. The only instrument I owned was my keyboard, which I had unsuccessfully attempted to figure out on several occasions. I had a hand-me-down stereo system which had previously belonged to my parents, a few blank cassette tapes, my brother's broken headset, and a computer microphone. The headset's sole purpose was to make me look like I was in a recording studio (like I had seen in a Hanson video). Because I didn't feel that my possessions would suffice for a band of two or more members, I began saving up money which I would spend on additional musical instruments. Because I was set on being a drummer, my parents bought me an electronic mini drum set as a birthday gift. I invested nearly all of my money on products I found in my Musician's Friend magazines. To my collection I added one additional microphone, a microphone stand and boom, an extra set of drumsticks, 2 tambourines, a shaky egg thing, and a multicolored strobe light. I also borrowed my parents’ headset/microphone combinations (as was becoming popular for famous musicians to wear during concert performances). I was set. Only one thing was missing....people for my band.

I lived 20 minutes away from almost all of my friends and, being 10, I didn't yet drive. But I wasn't about to let that minor complication stand in my way. Being that I was hoping for a band with more than one member, I began the search to see who was best qualified for the positions that needed to be filled. The role of drummer and lead singer was filled from day one. Though I had no musical ability of any kind (including the ability to carry a tune), I felt that I was more than qualified for this position. I only needed someone to play the keyboard and another member to play the guitar, or if they weren't skilled in that area, the tambourine or even the egg. I filled these roles with various people for weeks at a time. Each time there was a new member, the name of the band would change. SonLight, God Sent, Daisy, The Lord Exists...and I'm sure the list goes on.

Along with each new name came a new photo shoot. Sometimes my fellow band members and I wore matching outfits. Our poses were generally based on something we had seen in the last issue of TeenBeat magazine. Because publicity was so important, I worked overtime to write up articles about the band members from an objective, 3^rd person point of view. I was planning on eventually publishing a magazine that would provide our band with a decent amount of exposure. I made multiple magazine covers on Microsoft Word with our band’s pic front and center. I also had each band member fill out the Q&A sheet I came up with. On it were questions such as “What types of foods do you hate?”, “What musical artist has been most influential on your growth as a musician?”, and “What advice do you have for other musicians who would like to start a band?” On one occasion my band signed t-shirts we were giving out as the grand prize for successful submission of a band-themed word scramble from our unpublished magazine. 

Though none of my bands ever had a fan base, we never performed for anyone (other than immediate family), and the song lyrics have since been forgotten, I was sure I had it all together when I was 10. I don’t keep in touch with my former band mates and I have yet to acquire any musical ability. But for a while, this was my obsession. It consumed my thoughts day and night. I have since moved on from my band days. My thoughts are now filled with more grown-up obsessions in place of my childish ambition to be the lead singer of a band. But just how nothing significant ever came of my music phase, much of what I’m doing now will be of no eternal value. It’s easy to get stressed about school (or work) without ever realizing that this isn’t everything. In fact, it isn’t anything. Everything we experience on this earth is temporary. The only thing I can do that will have any eternal significance is glorifying God and allowing Him to use me to further His Kingdom. It’s so easy to lose this mindset and get caught up thinking that what I’m doing is somehow of great importance. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being 10 and wanting nothing other than to have my own band. But eventually, only memories will remain and nothing will have been accomplished. 

“For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.” 1 Timothy 4:8

My Doubt has Deep Roots: An Introduction to Myself (from previous blog)

Hello to anyone who may be viewing my blog. Please allow me to intoduce myself, even though it may be a long and boring process. Well, that's a bit deceptive. It won't be incredibly long as there really isn't that much you need to know about me. I'll start with the basics.

I'm a student at the University of Florida studying to become a high school history teacher. I'll be graduating this December and hopefully by next fall I'll be in a teaching position. I'm getting pretty burnt out with school at this point. I keep myself busy with various things (i.e. blogging and the like) to put off doing my school work. The only thing I really enjoy studying at the moment is Christian Apologetics. You will probably find this to be a common theme in future posts.

Growing up, I was surrounded by strong Christians who brought me up with a knowledge of the Word. I accepted Christ as my personal savior at a very young age and was baptized in a Southern Baptist church (I currently attend an Anglican church) shortly thereafter. Since then I have experienced both high and low points in my relationship with Christ. A big struggle for me recently has been doubt. Sometimes I find myself wondering what separates Christianity from any of the other major world religions. In my heart, I know the truth, but occasionally my intellectual curiosity and pride hinder me from knowing God in the fullest way possible. I fear that my tendency to doubt my faith is something that will not pass quickly. As a result, I will most likely be posting questions and asking for your comments or even questions in response to some of the specific issues I struggle with.

My Failure to Notice Such Blessings is Astounding: I Feel Good (from previous blog)

Its been quite a while since I posted a "real" entry. I have been keeping very busy lately. For the past few weeks I havent been feeling very good. But today, for the first time in quite a while, I've felt great all day. I've been in a good mood, I've been very productive, and I'm feeling optimistic about...life. I'm a pessimist for the most part so that's a big step for me. 

There is so much that God has blessed me with that I have been taking for granted. For one, He desires to be in a relationship with ME. WOW! And even when I pull away from Him, He's right there drawing me back even closer to Himself. Incredible! 

The second thing I've been taking for granted is my family. God has truly blessed me with an incredible family who loves me and wants what is best for me. They are concerned with my physical, emotional, and spiritual well being. I can always be sure that when my parents give me advice they are not only considering their own wishes, but also God's will for me. Most people dont have the opportunity to say that about their parents and I am unbelievably blessed by them. 

The third thing I've been taking for granted is the group of friends God has given me. I am so fortunate to be constantly surrounded by friends who love the Lord and desire to grow in a relationship with Him. It is such an encouragement to be in fellowship with people who are running the same race, right there next to me, willing to help me up when I fall. 

The fourth thing, though I hate to admit it, is school. I have such a difficult time recognizing that this education is a gift. Not everyone has the opportunity to go to school. Not everyone has the opportunity to pursue the career of their choice. But I do. For me, this is so easy to take for granted. School is hard, its time consuming, its boring, its tedious at times, but God will never give me more than I can handle. School is just one more opportunity to do something for the glory of God. 

I have also been taking for granted my relationship with Carter. He is such a wonderful boyfriend and sometimes I forget that he is a gift from God. God has used him in my life in so many ways. He is helping me develop a closer walk with God and I can see God strengthening him right there by my side. God has truly blessed me with Carter. My relationship with him is evidence to me that God works in very real and personal ways. Before Carter and I ever met, God knew that we would compliment each other. He allowed us to be in this relationship and He knew that through it, I would grow closer to Him. 

I have so much to be greatful for. I am blessed beyond belief. I feel so good.

My Call is to Love My Neighbor (from previous blog)

So my roommate just pointed something out to me that I had been completely oblivious to. Last Sunday I was certain that I would be going through a major trial, but I didn't end up going through that trial. So I assumed that I wouldn't be getting the trial I had prayed for afterall. I was totally taken by surprise when Kara told me that perhaps I did get the trial. It just wasn't at all what I had expected. 

Lately I haven't really been a good friend. I'm selfish and irritable and completely impatient. I haven't been listening the way that I should. I haven't been loving my brothers and sisters as Christ commanded me to. This attitude I've had has been affecting my relationships greatly. I feel as though some of my closest friendships are struggling to survive. 

My opinion is that everyone around me is too opinionated with no basis for their opinions. But that's my problem. I get angry because I feel that my friends are too intent on talking about what they want to talk about and they don't care to listen to what others have to say. But that is also my problem. I feel that my friends are selfish and demanding, always wanting everything to be convenient for them and not even considering those around them. But once again, that's my problem. 

It's so easy for me to point out flaws in others, even when I myself have the exact same flaws. It's even easier when I don't happen to struggle with the same flaws that they do. So right now, I guess this is my struggle. I'm so focused on the flaws that I see in people that I'm blind to all their good qualities. I'm so intent on judging people that I suck at being a friend. 

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. - 1 John 4:7

My Purpose is Already Planned (from previous blog)

How incredibly confused I am. For a couple hours today I was certain that I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Or at least I thought I had an idea. And now.....I am once again in the dark. I am thinking when I should be praying. I am talking when I should be listening. I am frantically searching for something that I can do for God when I should be still and know His power.

I confuse myself so often. I became very aware today that God has much bigger things in store for me than I have for myself. I feel as though I am not being used by God to my full potential. Today for a while I thought it was quite likely that God was calling me to be a missionary. Maybe He was. Maybe it was just me trying to make myself feel more useful. Maybe He was calling me not to be a missionary to a third world country, but to be a missionary to my classmates. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what God wants for me and I have no idea what I want for myself.

Maybe God wasn't calling me to be a missionary, but maybe something good has come from it. Maybe that thought helped me to realize that I can be content doing God's will, whatever that may be....whether I know it or not. For the first time, the thought entered my head that even if God calls me to be a missionary in a third world country and remain single for the rest of my life, nothing else could possibly make me more content. I will never be content outside of God's will. Having everything I ever thought I wanted outside God's will can never satisfy me even a fraction as much as having nothing and being within His will.

Corrie Ten Boom once said, "You may never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." So this doesn't exactly apply to me since I have so much (godly friends, family, possessions). But I think I'm starting to finally see that Jesus is all I need. I've said it many times before. I always knew that it was true but I somehow didn't believe it. I didn't have enough faith that I would really be willing to give up my life as I know it for Him. I'm much closer to that point today than I think I ever have been. So I have a lot to pray about. I'm very uncertain about my future. But I know exactly what I can be doing while I wait for His answers. I can be a witness in everyday life. I can be a good classmate, I can be a good student, I can be a good friend, I can be a good sister, I can be a good roommate, I can even be a good stranger. Whether God sends me out of the country or not, serving Him starts right here.

I want to know His will for my life and I'm certain that He will reveal it to me in due time. Meanwhile, I cant stop praying, I cant stop seeking. I need to stop worrying about everything and start living in His will.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6