My Glory Comes from Knowing Him (from previous blog)

So I was reading this morning and I came across something interesting. It was really random but here it is: In the book, Chrono is a kid who is really good at a sport similar to baseball and this is a quote about him. "Clearly, Chrono was the most glorious thing the children had ever seen on Mars, and any glory they themselves had came from their association with him. They would do anything to make his glory grow." 

So my thought was, this is exactly the way we should be thinking of God. We should want nothing more than to make His glory grow. The only meaning we have ourselves is purely from our association with Him, when we are so close to Him that others can see His glory through us. Well, that pretty much sums up my random thought of the day.

From The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut

My Knowledge isn't Knowing (from previous blog)

So I realized that I have all this knowledge about God but I barely know Him. I can recite several verses from the Bible but I just don't seem to apply them to my life. I'm looking forward to a time when I can be in constant communication with God without even having to concentrate on it. For now, I have a really hard time doing that at the same time as anything else. So I guess its gonna take a lot of practice.

I'm generally not a huge fan of Christian literature other than the Bible, but I figured that maybe right now I could use it. So I started reading The God You Can Know since I saw it in my dad's bookcase. It says some really awesome things. Many of the Christian authors I have read sound very pompous and wordy and I have a hard time reading them, but Dan DeHaan puts everything in very simple terms. I can actually relate to the stuff he's saying and its really cool. Forgive me if I sound like an advertisement or something you might read on the back of a book. Here are a couple quotes I came across in the book that really stood out to me.

"Knowing a lot about the Word of God without knowing the God of the Word always produces pride." -So this one explains me pretty well. I know so much more about God than I actually know Him. Taking in knowledge has never been difficult for me but having a real relationship with God has been my biggest struggle. I keep trying to grow by reading the Bible alone and it just doesn't work. All I am doing is expanding my knowledge about God while my personal relationship with Him gets weaker.

"How dare we receive such a gift as total forgiveness of sins and then not be indebted to the One who gave it!" -Wow! In my human understanding of things I cant even seem to grasp the true nature of this gift. This is undoubtedly the reason for my failure to give Him the thanks He deserves. However, because this gift is so huge that it is beyond anything I can fathom, I should thank Him for it all the more. 1 Corinthians 6:19,20 says "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

"All the running after spiritual 'highs' will fade during the days of persecution. All that will remain is the stability and contentment that can only be obtained through knowing God." - My November 9th post was entirely about this subject. I was looking forward to facing trials that would bring me a deeper knowledge and understand of God rather than about Him. I was sure that I needed big trials in order to know God more intimately, but I have a hard enough time seeking Him during the small ones. I face trials every day. I have plenty of opportunity to strengthen my relationship with God. I just need to be seeking Him diligently.

My Selfishness is Manipulative (from previous blog)

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. - Romans 7:21-23 

Once again I've found myself gradually drifting away from God. It seems that I'm able to stay on track for only a few days before I realize that I haven't been talking to Him as much as I need to. I haven't been reading the Bible like I should. I am once again trying to reclaim control of my life. I don't even understand how one day I'm so close to God and I want nothing outside of what He has for me and the next day that desire is only a memory. I'm so quick to make decisions on my own that really I should be praying about first. I should always be praying...about everything. 

Lately I've been taking every possible opportunity to get what I want. I'm so blinded by my own selfish desires that so often I forget that what He has for me is much better than what I want for myself. I am selfish in my prayers. I tend to pray only when I think I need Him. I'm so foolish in thinking this way. I'm foolish for not thanking Him and praising Him always and I'm foolish for thinking that there is ever any time that I don't need Him. I keep thinking to myself every time that I feel close to God, "this time I wont wander away." I've tasted His goodness, but still, I stray. I know how wonderful it is to be in His will, but I continue in selfish pursuit of my own wants. 

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." - Luke 9:23 

I know what the problem is and I know exactly what I need to do about it. I think that following Christ is a decision I need to make daily. What I'm not sure of is how to keep God at the top of my thoughts. So I'm thinking that this is the reason for my wandering. The number of activities I can do without even the thought of God entering my mind is absurd. My priorities are all wrong. I guess I just need to pray about it. I need to wake up in the morning and commit each day to God, and I cant stop there. My communication with God and my dedication to Him needs to be continuous. 

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

My Gifts are from Above: First Date with Carter ;) (from previous blog)

I spent a lot of today outdoors. The weather was beautiful. Sprinkles of rain came occasionally, but nothing unpleasant. I've been having a difficult time appreciating God lately. I wonder if the good things that are happening to me are God's blessings on me or mere coincidence. I have a hard time thanking God because I analyze everything and tell myself that God isnt necessarily involved in whatever good I'm experiencing. But when I do this, I'm wrong. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. - James 1:17 

So I've determined that another reason I have difficulty praying is that I have a hard time realizing God's love for me. I dont doubt that He loves me, I just have a hard time seeing it in the little things. I was sitting outside on a bench today when I prayed about this. I prayed that God would reveal His love to me through even the things that I usually deem coincidental or meaningless. When I prayed I didnt really "feel" anything emotionally, but as I sat there silently, I felt the wind against my face and it was the most beautiful feeling I've experienced in a long time. 

God has given me so much. I know this in my head, but its not always easy for me to know it in my heart. I know He loves me because the Bible tells me He does and because it is made evident in His creation. There is no reason for me to doubt this. Every good and perfect gift is from above. When I smile or laugh or feel good I need to rejoice because God loves me and has given me these things. There are so many reasons to be thankful I couldnt count them all up if I spent the rest of my life trying to. They arent coincidental; God has put them here because He loves us.

My Good Times Still Need God (from previous blog)

So, I think most people know that I'm generally happy. Everything has been going smoothly in my life. No major worries or trials have come my way. I've just been happy. I didn't think I could be any happier...or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I didn't think I could be any more content. But I am now. So everything is wonderful :) But here's the problem..... 

Sometimes when I am feeling this way (life is great) I have a tendency to think I can take care of things on my own. I think maybe I don't need God as much as I thought. I couldn't be more wrong. I need God's guidance now more than ever. So right now, I'm a little scared. I'm scared that I will stop talking to God and try to control my life even more than I have been. 

Its so ridiculous that during life's high points, I'm not thanking God for bringing me here. Rather, I'm thinking that I can handle everything without Him, as if I brought myself this far. I just need to remember that I cant do anything without God. There's a Todd Fields song that explains this perfectly. Its called "Apart From You" 

I cant do anything

I cant say anything

I cant face anything apart from You

Because You are everything

and so my soul will sing

I cant do anything apart from You 

So I guess I just need to remember that I need Him to do even the simple things like getting out of bed in the morning. I need to keep praying and remember everything He's done for me. Without Him I can do nothing.

My Imperfection has Become My Excuse (from previous blog)

Today (or yesterday technically) wasn't really the best day ever. I spent the whole day in fairly deep thought and confusion about God, guys, and myself. But I got to talk to a few people about it and I'm feeling okay now. I somehow had the idea in my head that at some point in my life God would be finished working on me. But that is ridiculous since I never honestly believed that I would be perfect, at least while I'm living on this earth. I kind of felt that I couldn't do anything until He was finished molding me into what He wants me to be. Now, I think I understand more clearly. 

I was once told that if you aren't moving forward in your relationship with God, you must be moving backwards. At the time, I thought this was totally ridiculous. But not anymore. I now think that it's not the being perfect that is the important thing; its the willingness to try. As long as I'm striving to be Christ-like, that's what matters. As long as I'm moving forward, that's where God wants me to be. 

I'm never going to be perfect and I can't use that as an excuse to lock myself in my bedroom and never be used by God. God uses those who are willing. That's what I want. I want to be open to whatever God has for me. I don't want to be scared of what that is. I don't want to try to control what happens in my life. The Lord will provide. 

Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. - Psalm 37:3-5 

So here's the cool part. God is going to give me the desires of my heart...AWESOME!!! But there's a catch. I have to find my delight in the Lord. I need to stop being so focused on myself. I need to trust Him and love Him with all that I am. 

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. - Romans 12:2 

So I think this is how to accomplish this. I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. When my desires align with His will for my life then He will give me the desires of my heart. Here's where I need to be. I need to be in constant prayer that God will take my will and conform it to His. 

Talking to God is my first step. This is tough for me. Sometimes I feel like the desire to talk to God just isn't there. I hate feeling that way. I want to desire that. So what happens when I just don't want to pray? Do I just start moving backwards in my relationship with God? I asked a friend this question earlier today and I got a really awesome response. "NO! You pray anyways." I don't have to want to pray. I don't have to want to read the Bible. I just have do it. 

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” - John 8:31,32 

Jesus didn't tell them anything about wanting to abide in His word. They just needed to do it. In the same way, I need to persevere in prayer. I need to be willing and God will give me the desires of my heart.

My Need to be in Control is a Hindrance (from previous blog)

So lately I've been trying to hide my emotion. I've been making almost every decision based solely on what I think, rather than what I feel. I don't even want to let myself feel things because I don't want to get hurt. I think that's why. I have been trying to completely control my life and haven't been giving everything over to God. I want to, but its so hard. I sometimes think that if I think everything through I will be able to always make the decisions that will lead me to the place where I want to be in my life. The problem with this is that I don't know where I'm supposed to be in my life. I don't know what God has planned for me. I want what he has for me, but my decisions are based on what I want for myself. If I continue the way I have been I'll never get there. 

I think this might be part of the reason its been so hard for me to pray lately. When I pray, I'm giving God control and taking it out of my own hands. This is scary for me. He's given me the opportunity to have no more worries because He is in control. I dont need to be afraid or try to protect myself by hiding my emotions because He is my protector. 

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalm 27:1