My Call is to Love My Neighbor (from previous blog)

So my roommate just pointed something out to me that I had been completely oblivious to. Last Sunday I was certain that I would be going through a major trial, but I didn't end up going through that trial. So I assumed that I wouldn't be getting the trial I had prayed for afterall. I was totally taken by surprise when Kara told me that perhaps I did get the trial. It just wasn't at all what I had expected. 

Lately I haven't really been a good friend. I'm selfish and irritable and completely impatient. I haven't been listening the way that I should. I haven't been loving my brothers and sisters as Christ commanded me to. This attitude I've had has been affecting my relationships greatly. I feel as though some of my closest friendships are struggling to survive. 

My opinion is that everyone around me is too opinionated with no basis for their opinions. But that's my problem. I get angry because I feel that my friends are too intent on talking about what they want to talk about and they don't care to listen to what others have to say. But that is also my problem. I feel that my friends are selfish and demanding, always wanting everything to be convenient for them and not even considering those around them. But once again, that's my problem. 

It's so easy for me to point out flaws in others, even when I myself have the exact same flaws. It's even easier when I don't happen to struggle with the same flaws that they do. So right now, I guess this is my struggle. I'm so focused on the flaws that I see in people that I'm blind to all their good qualities. I'm so intent on judging people that I suck at being a friend. 

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. - 1 John 4:7

My Purpose is Already Planned (from previous blog)

How incredibly confused I am. For a couple hours today I was certain that I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Or at least I thought I had an idea. And now.....I am once again in the dark. I am thinking when I should be praying. I am talking when I should be listening. I am frantically searching for something that I can do for God when I should be still and know His power.

I confuse myself so often. I became very aware today that God has much bigger things in store for me than I have for myself. I feel as though I am not being used by God to my full potential. Today for a while I thought it was quite likely that God was calling me to be a missionary. Maybe He was. Maybe it was just me trying to make myself feel more useful. Maybe He was calling me not to be a missionary to a third world country, but to be a missionary to my classmates. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what God wants for me and I have no idea what I want for myself.

Maybe God wasn't calling me to be a missionary, but maybe something good has come from it. Maybe that thought helped me to realize that I can be content doing God's will, whatever that may be....whether I know it or not. For the first time, the thought entered my head that even if God calls me to be a missionary in a third world country and remain single for the rest of my life, nothing else could possibly make me more content. I will never be content outside of God's will. Having everything I ever thought I wanted outside God's will can never satisfy me even a fraction as much as having nothing and being within His will.

Corrie Ten Boom once said, "You may never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." So this doesn't exactly apply to me since I have so much (godly friends, family, possessions). But I think I'm starting to finally see that Jesus is all I need. I've said it many times before. I always knew that it was true but I somehow didn't believe it. I didn't have enough faith that I would really be willing to give up my life as I know it for Him. I'm much closer to that point today than I think I ever have been. So I have a lot to pray about. I'm very uncertain about my future. But I know exactly what I can be doing while I wait for His answers. I can be a witness in everyday life. I can be a good classmate, I can be a good student, I can be a good friend, I can be a good sister, I can be a good roommate, I can even be a good stranger. Whether God sends me out of the country or not, serving Him starts right here.

I want to know His will for my life and I'm certain that He will reveal it to me in due time. Meanwhile, I cant stop praying, I cant stop seeking. I need to stop worrying about everything and start living in His will.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6