My Growth is not to be Minimized

Reading through 3 and 4 year old blog entries has made me wonder about some things. Have I really changed as much as I think I have? Am I actually growing? I am a very harsh judge of the individual who wrote those posts back then. I am ashamed of her. I deleted many posts refusing to even upload them. I can't stand to think of how immature I was then...

But in reading the content of those entries, I see that I have many of the same struggles as that person. I have 3 and a half years on her, but little good that has done me. Pride, doubt, distance in relationship with Him, distraction, sin - these were her struggles and these are mine. I like to think that I have grown and matured so much. Well, I am married now. I have some real work experience behind me. I'm working on a graduate degree. But obviously, these things are only superficial. 

What has actually changed is my level of contentment. I am content. Yes, it's true that I try to live in the future and neglect the present far too often, but when I slow down to think about it, I am quite content with my present. I have more joy. I have learned to trust Him when I don't know the outcome. To a very small degree, I have learned that He want's what is best for me, and that He alone knows what that is in every circumstance. I have learned to let go of some of my own goals in order to leave room for His. I have even learned what His voice sounds like. I have become less afraid of the judgment of others and I have learned how to turn over my own tendency to judge. I have recognized my intense anger. 

I wish I knew how to walk the line between pride and self-condemnation, but I don't. If I say "I have grown so much" my tendency has been to become prideful of that fact or to try to minimize it by reminding myself of the places I have not grown. On paper, the line looks clear, but it feels so different in my head!

I don't know how much of my growth is God's glory and how much is mine (or shared?). I suppose I don't need to know this and my desire to find out is evidence that the resolution of my pride issue is yet to come. I'm still scared that He will withhold from me what I deserve, or perhaps that I will withhold it from myself out of a fear of pride. Thoughts are complicated. I'm glad I'm writing them down. 

My Faith is Weak

I'm not even sure where my doubts lie, but I know I have them. I know I have them because I know the fear I encounter when I contemplate thinking about them or trying to come up with answers for them. I am scared of  following through on my doubt and being overcome by the seductive appeal of agnosticism or some vague form of theism. I want to be a believer, but how genuine am I if I have to ignore my doubts in order to keep "believing"? - Sounds more like ignorance than belief to me. 

I know I need to deal with the doubt sometime. I need to trust that God, who made me and knows me, will guard me from the fate I fear. He is invested in me and wants to bring me to completion rather than toss me aside as a partially refined precious metal. The hard part is that in my moments of unbelief, I don't know if there is a God there to trust. 

When I fear there is no God (or some other distant god who I don't know) then there is no one I can trust to protect me from running away with my doubts. I must protect and defend myself. But if I do indeed need to protect myself, then my beliefs about God, as I currently know Him, are wrong, and I am not looking to protect myself at that point, but to keep myself misinformed. I guess logic says: If God exists as I currently know Him, then He will protect me from false beliefs (theism, agnosticism, heresy, etc.). However, If God as I currently know Him does not exist, then there is no need for protection. In either case, I do not need to defend myself from exploring the doubt and finding answers. 

It would help, though, to know what my questions are. I used to be certain that my doubts were about the historical Jesus, now I'm not sure. I'll have to think/pray about this one....then I/we (me & Jesus) can start addressing them. I'm actually excited to finally start the process!

My Help is Coming

God, sometimes I get so angry that I exist so confined in this mortal body. Why have you done this? Was it even you who did this? Aren't you in control of everything? Why have you not healed me when I have asked? Are you teaching me something through this? I'm sure you are. I'm sure it's worth it. I'm tired. I think I'm ready for healing now. But what do I know? It sucks that right now I'm trying to argue with you, but I'm too logical to really let that play out. I've been furious. I've been completely over this. But now in expressing this to you I feel that my cup just isn't that big. Others have cried out to you. Can I? Or will it somehow be fake if I do? What a stupid thought.

Even if my physical problems aren't that big, I'm sure my emotional problems are. I would ask that you please heal them at least, but then I know that you already are. I'm asking anyway. I want to focus on some problems and work things out in writing, but everything is too good right now. I don't have the feelings of middle school angst that so easily lend themselves to arguing. Am I supposed to have that? Am I missing something or am I to be grateful for this feeling of peace? I think the latter. Right? It's good to be content I think. Can I be a revolutionary if I'm content?

I don't know the answers. I know that you already know that these are my thoughts right now, but I'm giving them to you anyway. Will you sift through them and give me back the ones I'm supposed to have? Will you toss away the others? Will you stir up in me discontentment where its supposed to be? Will you help me change what I need to change and admit what I need to admit? Will you defend me from now on? I'm ready to turn in defending myself. I don't even know when I need defending so its best that I just step out of that role.

Will you be my motivation? Will you be what I strive toward rather than just the desire I have for others to see you in me? Are these questions even for you? Should I be asking myself instead what I am willing to do? If so, I'm willing to do it all. I know that I can't comprehend the meaning of that, but there's at least a degree to which I know it is true. I'm ready. I want only what you want. If you want to expose me, I think I'm game. But then why would you want that? I don't know, but if you do, I'm game. I don't know how much of this is coming out of my pride. Will you search me and refine me? I'm ready for the pride to go. I'm serious about that. I'm ready for the only thing I boast in to be knowing you. When I get there I'm trusting that you will allow that not to become a pride issue.

I'm glad that I am getting to experience you on earth. What a long life this would otherwise be! I love you. Loving you is kind of like tithing I think. You give me all love and I give you back 10% on the good days. Is this what you were hoping for when you made me? I hope that I look like you. I hope there's a family resemblance so that when I get lost in the grocery store, other people can look at me and know exactly who my father is. That's what I want when I have kids, so I bet you want the same thing. I want to look like you. If I don't will you change me quickly? I do love you. Please help me love you better. Please strengthen my belief in you. Thank you for peace. I feel it.

My Burdens are Self-Imposed

In the same way that God ultimately deserves the glory for all of "my" accomplishments, He also has freed me of the responsibility to perform. I don't have to paddle up stream in my ministry, I just have to turn it over to God and release myself from unrealistic expectations of how much I must achieve. It is stressful to give myself credit for the good works I have done because the logical conclusion I will bring myself to is that I am also to blame for thebad deeds and the good works that have gone undone. Though I know that there is an extent to which I am responsible for my choices and deeds, I have not been called to live a life defined by remorse and guilt.

I think I probably need to try less and just be. The whole problem here seems to be that I have not fully relinquished control of myself to Him. If I had then I wouldn't find myself repeatedly encountering the same struggles and succumbing. I wouldn't have to try so hard to maintain self-control, because He would already be in control. If I could just BE in Christ then the striving, the kind of striving that comes out of myself and depletes me when I am already low, would be unnecessary. Since Christ is already in me, and I in Him, then I already am the real deal. Why am I still performing the role of Christian when that is my ACTUAL identity? And though that is my identity, why do I find myself still driving up-hill using my own makeshift fuel - which I have formed using the clothes off of my own back and the food off of my own plate - when I have an unlimited supply of God's premium grade fuel within reach???

I'm especially frustrated because I know that my exhaustion, my less-than-Christ-like behavior at work, my burdens, are self-imposed. He's already offered to carry them, and I think He already is. I've just gotten so used to having a pack on my back that now my body has to re-learn how to walk upright. I'm carrying a phantom back-pack and the very expectation of its presence is so heavy that I cannot run.

LORD JESUS CHRIST HAVE MERCY ON ME, KAREN, A SINNER........

My Sin is Pride

I have had blogs several times in the past and have even been quite consistent in updating them. Recently, however, for the past two to three years, I have had no blogs, no journals, no diaries, etc. I need to write. I have a ton inside that I need to get out.

I struggle with things that never surface. I allow myself to be alone in my trials. I martyr myself without cause. I slow my healing. I am alone, but I am not reaping the benefits of solitude. I think and I process, but I do not know myself. I want to. I want to reflect, to turn inward, to experience my own internal cognitive and emotive processes, but I run from the experience when I feel it get too close. I play games. I distract myself from fruitful solitude. I am terrified of solitude, not of being apart from people, but of being apart from worthless thoughts. What will I find? Will I even reach that point? Can I reach the point? I am terrified of not playing and re-playing every thought. I am terrified of not worrying about tomorrow. I am terrified of turning in my daydreams in exchange for life.

I dread work, but I dread play too. I feel guilty. I am guilty. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do what I should. The hard thing is that even when I am not doing what I should, the "good person" - ness of my life convinces me that I have arrived. Even now, typing this at work, on the clock, I feel guilty, rightly so. But I know that I will still be complemented for being a good employee and sometimes I let that be enough. I am special. I don't need to try harder because I am already good, great even.

I sit in judgment of others and marvel at my own excellence. I am cocky. I am boastful, but only to God and myself. I am proud that I am able to appear humble despite my near perfection. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the energy it takes to compare myself to everyone else. I'm sick of not allowing myself to have friends because I have placed them in a lower class than my own. I don't want to say "it was God" when someone appreciates MY actions. I want to deserve the complement and take it all for myself. I'm jealous of God. What do I do with that??

My Desire is to Seek Him: Struggling (from previous blog)

I've been struggling with something pretty big lately. Though I desire to want to do what is right and good and godly, I seem only to want what I know is wrong. My desires for these things have recently been outweiging my desire to do right so much so, that even in the moment when I am doing what I should not be doing I think about Christ's suffering for me and how much I am hurting Him and yet I push Him out of my mind and continue to sin.

My desires right now couln't be further from God's. I want to return to where I was not long ago when I truly wanted to please Him. Now, I claim to want conviction. But when I am convicted of something, I ignore the conviction without thinking twice. No wonder it is becoming so hard for me to hear God speak to me. I have become so used to blocking His voice out or just ignoring Him that I probably don't always notice when He speaks to me now.

Before I started writing this post Romans 7 came to mind. At least Paul's desires were in the right place, even if he wasn't always able to resist sin. At least his aim was to please God. I long to long for that again but right now that's not where I am. Even worse is that I know exactly how to get back to that point and I know that it is the right thing to do, but I'm not sure that's what I'm going to do.

My Focus is Off: 15 Minutes of Fame....or Not (from previous blog)

My friends and I were talking today about embarrassing childhood memories. It was quite entertaining as well as humiliating as more and more embarrassing events kept coming to mind. What was comforting is that one of the friends I was talking with had actually gone through some very similar experiences in his childhood. Because the conversation was so enjoyable, mostly at my expense, I decided to share it with whoever may be reading this.

The focus of our conversation was our childhood experiences as members of a band. When I was about 10 I had a very strong desire to be in a band. Despite my lack of ability in the song writing department, I was determined to come up with Christian lyrics to as many songs as I possibly could. And I didn't stop there, I also composed every song I wrote (It isn't everyone who can do that successfully at age 10) using only 5 keys on my keyboard (so that I could play comfortably with one hand). I really was quite proud of myself, being only 10, and still having managed to become a song writer and composer. I was quite talented compared to the rest of my peer group.

I didn't come from a musical background. The only instrument I owned was my keyboard, which I had unsuccessfully attempted to figure out on several occasions. I had a hand-me-down stereo system which had previously belonged to my parents, a few blank cassette tapes, my brother's broken headset, and a computer microphone. The headset's sole purpose was to make me look like I was in a recording studio (like I had seen in a Hanson video). Because I didn't feel that my possessions would suffice for a band of two or more members, I began saving up money which I would spend on additional musical instruments. Because I was set on being a drummer, my parents bought me an electronic mini drum set as a birthday gift. I invested nearly all of my money on products I found in my Musician's Friend magazines. To my collection I added one additional microphone, a microphone stand and boom, an extra set of drumsticks, 2 tambourines, a shaky egg thing, and a multicolored strobe light. I also borrowed my parents’ headset/microphone combinations (as was becoming popular for famous musicians to wear during concert performances). I was set. Only one thing was missing....people for my band.

I lived 20 minutes away from almost all of my friends and, being 10, I didn't yet drive. But I wasn't about to let that minor complication stand in my way. Being that I was hoping for a band with more than one member, I began the search to see who was best qualified for the positions that needed to be filled. The role of drummer and lead singer was filled from day one. Though I had no musical ability of any kind (including the ability to carry a tune), I felt that I was more than qualified for this position. I only needed someone to play the keyboard and another member to play the guitar, or if they weren't skilled in that area, the tambourine or even the egg. I filled these roles with various people for weeks at a time. Each time there was a new member, the name of the band would change. SonLight, God Sent, Daisy, The Lord Exists...and I'm sure the list goes on.

Along with each new name came a new photo shoot. Sometimes my fellow band members and I wore matching outfits. Our poses were generally based on something we had seen in the last issue of TeenBeat magazine. Because publicity was so important, I worked overtime to write up articles about the band members from an objective, 3^rd person point of view. I was planning on eventually publishing a magazine that would provide our band with a decent amount of exposure. I made multiple magazine covers on Microsoft Word with our band’s pic front and center. I also had each band member fill out the Q&A sheet I came up with. On it were questions such as “What types of foods do you hate?”, “What musical artist has been most influential on your growth as a musician?”, and “What advice do you have for other musicians who would like to start a band?” On one occasion my band signed t-shirts we were giving out as the grand prize for successful submission of a band-themed word scramble from our unpublished magazine. 

Though none of my bands ever had a fan base, we never performed for anyone (other than immediate family), and the song lyrics have since been forgotten, I was sure I had it all together when I was 10. I don’t keep in touch with my former band mates and I have yet to acquire any musical ability. But for a while, this was my obsession. It consumed my thoughts day and night. I have since moved on from my band days. My thoughts are now filled with more grown-up obsessions in place of my childish ambition to be the lead singer of a band. But just how nothing significant ever came of my music phase, much of what I’m doing now will be of no eternal value. It’s easy to get stressed about school (or work) without ever realizing that this isn’t everything. In fact, it isn’t anything. Everything we experience on this earth is temporary. The only thing I can do that will have any eternal significance is glorifying God and allowing Him to use me to further His Kingdom. It’s so easy to lose this mindset and get caught up thinking that what I’m doing is somehow of great importance. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being 10 and wanting nothing other than to have my own band. But eventually, only memories will remain and nothing will have been accomplished. 

“For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.” 1 Timothy 4:8

My Doubt has Deep Roots: An Introduction to Myself (from previous blog)

Hello to anyone who may be viewing my blog. Please allow me to intoduce myself, even though it may be a long and boring process. Well, that's a bit deceptive. It won't be incredibly long as there really isn't that much you need to know about me. I'll start with the basics.

I'm a student at the University of Florida studying to become a high school history teacher. I'll be graduating this December and hopefully by next fall I'll be in a teaching position. I'm getting pretty burnt out with school at this point. I keep myself busy with various things (i.e. blogging and the like) to put off doing my school work. The only thing I really enjoy studying at the moment is Christian Apologetics. You will probably find this to be a common theme in future posts.

Growing up, I was surrounded by strong Christians who brought me up with a knowledge of the Word. I accepted Christ as my personal savior at a very young age and was baptized in a Southern Baptist church (I currently attend an Anglican church) shortly thereafter. Since then I have experienced both high and low points in my relationship with Christ. A big struggle for me recently has been doubt. Sometimes I find myself wondering what separates Christianity from any of the other major world religions. In my heart, I know the truth, but occasionally my intellectual curiosity and pride hinder me from knowing God in the fullest way possible. I fear that my tendency to doubt my faith is something that will not pass quickly. As a result, I will most likely be posting questions and asking for your comments or even questions in response to some of the specific issues I struggle with.

My Failure to Notice Such Blessings is Astounding: I Feel Good (from previous blog)

Its been quite a while since I posted a "real" entry. I have been keeping very busy lately. For the past few weeks I havent been feeling very good. But today, for the first time in quite a while, I've felt great all day. I've been in a good mood, I've been very productive, and I'm feeling optimistic about...life. I'm a pessimist for the most part so that's a big step for me. 

There is so much that God has blessed me with that I have been taking for granted. For one, He desires to be in a relationship with ME. WOW! And even when I pull away from Him, He's right there drawing me back even closer to Himself. Incredible! 

The second thing I've been taking for granted is my family. God has truly blessed me with an incredible family who loves me and wants what is best for me. They are concerned with my physical, emotional, and spiritual well being. I can always be sure that when my parents give me advice they are not only considering their own wishes, but also God's will for me. Most people dont have the opportunity to say that about their parents and I am unbelievably blessed by them. 

The third thing I've been taking for granted is the group of friends God has given me. I am so fortunate to be constantly surrounded by friends who love the Lord and desire to grow in a relationship with Him. It is such an encouragement to be in fellowship with people who are running the same race, right there next to me, willing to help me up when I fall. 

The fourth thing, though I hate to admit it, is school. I have such a difficult time recognizing that this education is a gift. Not everyone has the opportunity to go to school. Not everyone has the opportunity to pursue the career of their choice. But I do. For me, this is so easy to take for granted. School is hard, its time consuming, its boring, its tedious at times, but God will never give me more than I can handle. School is just one more opportunity to do something for the glory of God. 

I have also been taking for granted my relationship with Carter. He is such a wonderful boyfriend and sometimes I forget that he is a gift from God. God has used him in my life in so many ways. He is helping me develop a closer walk with God and I can see God strengthening him right there by my side. God has truly blessed me with Carter. My relationship with him is evidence to me that God works in very real and personal ways. Before Carter and I ever met, God knew that we would compliment each other. He allowed us to be in this relationship and He knew that through it, I would grow closer to Him. 

I have so much to be greatful for. I am blessed beyond belief. I feel so good.

My Call is to Love My Neighbor (from previous blog)

So my roommate just pointed something out to me that I had been completely oblivious to. Last Sunday I was certain that I would be going through a major trial, but I didn't end up going through that trial. So I assumed that I wouldn't be getting the trial I had prayed for afterall. I was totally taken by surprise when Kara told me that perhaps I did get the trial. It just wasn't at all what I had expected. 

Lately I haven't really been a good friend. I'm selfish and irritable and completely impatient. I haven't been listening the way that I should. I haven't been loving my brothers and sisters as Christ commanded me to. This attitude I've had has been affecting my relationships greatly. I feel as though some of my closest friendships are struggling to survive. 

My opinion is that everyone around me is too opinionated with no basis for their opinions. But that's my problem. I get angry because I feel that my friends are too intent on talking about what they want to talk about and they don't care to listen to what others have to say. But that is also my problem. I feel that my friends are selfish and demanding, always wanting everything to be convenient for them and not even considering those around them. But once again, that's my problem. 

It's so easy for me to point out flaws in others, even when I myself have the exact same flaws. It's even easier when I don't happen to struggle with the same flaws that they do. So right now, I guess this is my struggle. I'm so focused on the flaws that I see in people that I'm blind to all their good qualities. I'm so intent on judging people that I suck at being a friend. 

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. - 1 John 4:7

My Purpose is Already Planned (from previous blog)

How incredibly confused I am. For a couple hours today I was certain that I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Or at least I thought I had an idea. And now.....I am once again in the dark. I am thinking when I should be praying. I am talking when I should be listening. I am frantically searching for something that I can do for God when I should be still and know His power.

I confuse myself so often. I became very aware today that God has much bigger things in store for me than I have for myself. I feel as though I am not being used by God to my full potential. Today for a while I thought it was quite likely that God was calling me to be a missionary. Maybe He was. Maybe it was just me trying to make myself feel more useful. Maybe He was calling me not to be a missionary to a third world country, but to be a missionary to my classmates. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what God wants for me and I have no idea what I want for myself.

Maybe God wasn't calling me to be a missionary, but maybe something good has come from it. Maybe that thought helped me to realize that I can be content doing God's will, whatever that may be....whether I know it or not. For the first time, the thought entered my head that even if God calls me to be a missionary in a third world country and remain single for the rest of my life, nothing else could possibly make me more content. I will never be content outside of God's will. Having everything I ever thought I wanted outside God's will can never satisfy me even a fraction as much as having nothing and being within His will.

Corrie Ten Boom once said, "You may never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." So this doesn't exactly apply to me since I have so much (godly friends, family, possessions). But I think I'm starting to finally see that Jesus is all I need. I've said it many times before. I always knew that it was true but I somehow didn't believe it. I didn't have enough faith that I would really be willing to give up my life as I know it for Him. I'm much closer to that point today than I think I ever have been. So I have a lot to pray about. I'm very uncertain about my future. But I know exactly what I can be doing while I wait for His answers. I can be a witness in everyday life. I can be a good classmate, I can be a good student, I can be a good friend, I can be a good sister, I can be a good roommate, I can even be a good stranger. Whether God sends me out of the country or not, serving Him starts right here.

I want to know His will for my life and I'm certain that He will reveal it to me in due time. Meanwhile, I cant stop praying, I cant stop seeking. I need to stop worrying about everything and start living in His will.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

My Glory Comes from Knowing Him (from previous blog)

So I was reading this morning and I came across something interesting. It was really random but here it is: In the book, Chrono is a kid who is really good at a sport similar to baseball and this is a quote about him. "Clearly, Chrono was the most glorious thing the children had ever seen on Mars, and any glory they themselves had came from their association with him. They would do anything to make his glory grow." 

So my thought was, this is exactly the way we should be thinking of God. We should want nothing more than to make His glory grow. The only meaning we have ourselves is purely from our association with Him, when we are so close to Him that others can see His glory through us. Well, that pretty much sums up my random thought of the day.

From The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut

My Knowledge isn't Knowing (from previous blog)

So I realized that I have all this knowledge about God but I barely know Him. I can recite several verses from the Bible but I just don't seem to apply them to my life. I'm looking forward to a time when I can be in constant communication with God without even having to concentrate on it. For now, I have a really hard time doing that at the same time as anything else. So I guess its gonna take a lot of practice.

I'm generally not a huge fan of Christian literature other than the Bible, but I figured that maybe right now I could use it. So I started reading The God You Can Know since I saw it in my dad's bookcase. It says some really awesome things. Many of the Christian authors I have read sound very pompous and wordy and I have a hard time reading them, but Dan DeHaan puts everything in very simple terms. I can actually relate to the stuff he's saying and its really cool. Forgive me if I sound like an advertisement or something you might read on the back of a book. Here are a couple quotes I came across in the book that really stood out to me.

"Knowing a lot about the Word of God without knowing the God of the Word always produces pride." -So this one explains me pretty well. I know so much more about God than I actually know Him. Taking in knowledge has never been difficult for me but having a real relationship with God has been my biggest struggle. I keep trying to grow by reading the Bible alone and it just doesn't work. All I am doing is expanding my knowledge about God while my personal relationship with Him gets weaker.

"How dare we receive such a gift as total forgiveness of sins and then not be indebted to the One who gave it!" -Wow! In my human understanding of things I cant even seem to grasp the true nature of this gift. This is undoubtedly the reason for my failure to give Him the thanks He deserves. However, because this gift is so huge that it is beyond anything I can fathom, I should thank Him for it all the more. 1 Corinthians 6:19,20 says "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

"All the running after spiritual 'highs' will fade during the days of persecution. All that will remain is the stability and contentment that can only be obtained through knowing God." - My November 9th post was entirely about this subject. I was looking forward to facing trials that would bring me a deeper knowledge and understand of God rather than about Him. I was sure that I needed big trials in order to know God more intimately, but I have a hard enough time seeking Him during the small ones. I face trials every day. I have plenty of opportunity to strengthen my relationship with God. I just need to be seeking Him diligently.

My Selfishness is Manipulative (from previous blog)

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. - Romans 7:21-23 

Once again I've found myself gradually drifting away from God. It seems that I'm able to stay on track for only a few days before I realize that I haven't been talking to Him as much as I need to. I haven't been reading the Bible like I should. I am once again trying to reclaim control of my life. I don't even understand how one day I'm so close to God and I want nothing outside of what He has for me and the next day that desire is only a memory. I'm so quick to make decisions on my own that really I should be praying about first. I should always be praying...about everything. 

Lately I've been taking every possible opportunity to get what I want. I'm so blinded by my own selfish desires that so often I forget that what He has for me is much better than what I want for myself. I am selfish in my prayers. I tend to pray only when I think I need Him. I'm so foolish in thinking this way. I'm foolish for not thanking Him and praising Him always and I'm foolish for thinking that there is ever any time that I don't need Him. I keep thinking to myself every time that I feel close to God, "this time I wont wander away." I've tasted His goodness, but still, I stray. I know how wonderful it is to be in His will, but I continue in selfish pursuit of my own wants. 

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." - Luke 9:23 

I know what the problem is and I know exactly what I need to do about it. I think that following Christ is a decision I need to make daily. What I'm not sure of is how to keep God at the top of my thoughts. So I'm thinking that this is the reason for my wandering. The number of activities I can do without even the thought of God entering my mind is absurd. My priorities are all wrong. I guess I just need to pray about it. I need to wake up in the morning and commit each day to God, and I cant stop there. My communication with God and my dedication to Him needs to be continuous. 

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

My Gifts are from Above: First Date with Carter ;) (from previous blog)

I spent a lot of today outdoors. The weather was beautiful. Sprinkles of rain came occasionally, but nothing unpleasant. I've been having a difficult time appreciating God lately. I wonder if the good things that are happening to me are God's blessings on me or mere coincidence. I have a hard time thanking God because I analyze everything and tell myself that God isnt necessarily involved in whatever good I'm experiencing. But when I do this, I'm wrong. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. - James 1:17 

So I've determined that another reason I have difficulty praying is that I have a hard time realizing God's love for me. I dont doubt that He loves me, I just have a hard time seeing it in the little things. I was sitting outside on a bench today when I prayed about this. I prayed that God would reveal His love to me through even the things that I usually deem coincidental or meaningless. When I prayed I didnt really "feel" anything emotionally, but as I sat there silently, I felt the wind against my face and it was the most beautiful feeling I've experienced in a long time. 

God has given me so much. I know this in my head, but its not always easy for me to know it in my heart. I know He loves me because the Bible tells me He does and because it is made evident in His creation. There is no reason for me to doubt this. Every good and perfect gift is from above. When I smile or laugh or feel good I need to rejoice because God loves me and has given me these things. There are so many reasons to be thankful I couldnt count them all up if I spent the rest of my life trying to. They arent coincidental; God has put them here because He loves us.

My Good Times Still Need God (from previous blog)

So, I think most people know that I'm generally happy. Everything has been going smoothly in my life. No major worries or trials have come my way. I've just been happy. I didn't think I could be any happier...or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I didn't think I could be any more content. But I am now. So everything is wonderful :) But here's the problem..... 

Sometimes when I am feeling this way (life is great) I have a tendency to think I can take care of things on my own. I think maybe I don't need God as much as I thought. I couldn't be more wrong. I need God's guidance now more than ever. So right now, I'm a little scared. I'm scared that I will stop talking to God and try to control my life even more than I have been. 

Its so ridiculous that during life's high points, I'm not thanking God for bringing me here. Rather, I'm thinking that I can handle everything without Him, as if I brought myself this far. I just need to remember that I cant do anything without God. There's a Todd Fields song that explains this perfectly. Its called "Apart From You" 

I cant do anything

I cant say anything

I cant face anything apart from You

Because You are everything

and so my soul will sing

I cant do anything apart from You 

So I guess I just need to remember that I need Him to do even the simple things like getting out of bed in the morning. I need to keep praying and remember everything He's done for me. Without Him I can do nothing.

My Imperfection has Become My Excuse (from previous blog)

Today (or yesterday technically) wasn't really the best day ever. I spent the whole day in fairly deep thought and confusion about God, guys, and myself. But I got to talk to a few people about it and I'm feeling okay now. I somehow had the idea in my head that at some point in my life God would be finished working on me. But that is ridiculous since I never honestly believed that I would be perfect, at least while I'm living on this earth. I kind of felt that I couldn't do anything until He was finished molding me into what He wants me to be. Now, I think I understand more clearly. 

I was once told that if you aren't moving forward in your relationship with God, you must be moving backwards. At the time, I thought this was totally ridiculous. But not anymore. I now think that it's not the being perfect that is the important thing; its the willingness to try. As long as I'm striving to be Christ-like, that's what matters. As long as I'm moving forward, that's where God wants me to be. 

I'm never going to be perfect and I can't use that as an excuse to lock myself in my bedroom and never be used by God. God uses those who are willing. That's what I want. I want to be open to whatever God has for me. I don't want to be scared of what that is. I don't want to try to control what happens in my life. The Lord will provide. 

Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. - Psalm 37:3-5 

So here's the cool part. God is going to give me the desires of my heart...AWESOME!!! But there's a catch. I have to find my delight in the Lord. I need to stop being so focused on myself. I need to trust Him and love Him with all that I am. 

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. - Romans 12:2 

So I think this is how to accomplish this. I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. When my desires align with His will for my life then He will give me the desires of my heart. Here's where I need to be. I need to be in constant prayer that God will take my will and conform it to His. 

Talking to God is my first step. This is tough for me. Sometimes I feel like the desire to talk to God just isn't there. I hate feeling that way. I want to desire that. So what happens when I just don't want to pray? Do I just start moving backwards in my relationship with God? I asked a friend this question earlier today and I got a really awesome response. "NO! You pray anyways." I don't have to want to pray. I don't have to want to read the Bible. I just have do it. 

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” - John 8:31,32 

Jesus didn't tell them anything about wanting to abide in His word. They just needed to do it. In the same way, I need to persevere in prayer. I need to be willing and God will give me the desires of my heart.

My Need to be in Control is a Hindrance (from previous blog)

So lately I've been trying to hide my emotion. I've been making almost every decision based solely on what I think, rather than what I feel. I don't even want to let myself feel things because I don't want to get hurt. I think that's why. I have been trying to completely control my life and haven't been giving everything over to God. I want to, but its so hard. I sometimes think that if I think everything through I will be able to always make the decisions that will lead me to the place where I want to be in my life. The problem with this is that I don't know where I'm supposed to be in my life. I don't know what God has planned for me. I want what he has for me, but my decisions are based on what I want for myself. If I continue the way I have been I'll never get there. 

I think this might be part of the reason its been so hard for me to pray lately. When I pray, I'm giving God control and taking it out of my own hands. This is scary for me. He's given me the opportunity to have no more worries because He is in control. I dont need to be afraid or try to protect myself by hiding my emotions because He is my protector. 

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalm 27:1

My Momentum is in the Wrong Direction (from previous blog)

I guess its been a while since I posted. I normally feel like I have so much to say. For the past few months I've been really excited about my faith and I've wanted to talk about it perhaps more than ever before. But last night I found myself in a different place. Last night, at M&M during the 2nd worship song I realized that the past 2 or 3 weeks have been different. 

I've been slowly falling away from God, slowly returning to my old habits. I've been apathetic, selfish, unloving. I'm not trying to say that before I had overcome these things, but at least I had been allowing God to work in my life and then I just stopped. If I've behaved this way toward any of you who are reading this, I'm sorry. I haven't felt as far away from God as I felt last night probably since before the school year started. I haven't been reading the Bible and I seem to have let go of the desire I had so recently to be closer to God and to live my life to serve Him. 

I've been in this place so many times before. Its me who has moved away from Him and not the other way around, but every time I return to this state I find it so hard to get back. Now I'm just sort of longing...not necessarily even to be closer to God but to long to be closer to God. I want the desire back, but I find it so difficult to pray right now. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I could really use it.

My Pride is not Confidence (from previous blog)

Is pride the problem? - The reason I care so much about what others think? Or does my concern over what others think lead to pride? It seems like I care more about people not thinking I'm a hypocrite than actually not being one. I suppose it doesn't matter which of these problems led to the others. The point is, I'm struggling with all of them... But it doesn't just stop there. These weaknesses are also affecting many other aspects of my life.. specifically, prayer, praise, and witnessing. 

I started thinking about this a lot yesterday when Tina told me I might want to consider taking her place as prayer group leader at CCH when she leaves. I became very uncomfortable with the idea. Praying aloud in large groups of people has always made me feel a little uneasy. But why? I believe that prayer should be nothing more than speaking to God from the heart. This can be done silently or out loud. But when I pray for a group of people I feel like everything I say is said for the benefit of those around me. I sometimes get distracted and my prayers become a way for me to appear to be a good Christian in front of my peers. Using prayer this way completely disgusts me, but I know I've done it in the past and I fear that I will continue. 

The way I praise God has also been affected in a similar way. I'm afraid to sing to God in front of others. I'm afraid people will see me and realize that all too often, my behavior just doesn't line up with the words I sing. I'm proclaiming one thing with my mouth and another with my actions. The concern itself seems to be legitimate, but my motivation is entirely wrong. Rather than worrying about people thinking I'm a terrible person, I should be concerned with bringing glory to God. When unbelievers watch me, they shouldn't see a hypocritical Christian, they should see someone fully devoted to God in words and actions. My sole motivation for doing anything should be to glorify God in everything I do. 

I'm sure that if I would just live that way, then all these problems of pride and hypocrisy would be overcome. I would have no problems witnessing to people because in doing so, I would be glorifying God and potentially being used to further His kingdom. Whether by talking to someone about God or just living as an example of Christ's love, God would use me because of my willingness to glorify Him always. But as much as I want to say that I've reached that point, I'm just not there yet. 

1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 

This verse says to me that every single thing we do has the potential to glorify God. We have hundreds if not thousands of opportunities every day to glorify God. Even at the most seemingly insignificant moments, we can choose to glorify Him. I've been awake for about 6 hours today and cant think of a single thing I've done to bring glory to His name. No matter what I'm doing, I want to be living my life for Him. I want to stop wasting time thinking about myself and start living a life of worship. I want to be used, but I first need to be willing.