Is pride the problem? - The reason I care so much about what others think? Or does my concern over what others think lead to pride? It seems like I care more about people not thinking I'm a hypocrite than actually not being one. I suppose it doesn't matter which of these problems led to the others. The point is, I'm struggling with all of them... But it doesn't just stop there. These weaknesses are also affecting many other aspects of my life.. specifically, prayer, praise, and witnessing.
I started thinking about this a lot yesterday when Tina told me I might want to consider taking her place as prayer group leader at CCH when she leaves. I became very uncomfortable with the idea. Praying aloud in large groups of people has always made me feel a little uneasy. But why? I believe that prayer should be nothing more than speaking to God from the heart. This can be done silently or out loud. But when I pray for a group of people I feel like everything I say is said for the benefit of those around me. I sometimes get distracted and my prayers become a way for me to appear to be a good Christian in front of my peers. Using prayer this way completely disgusts me, but I know I've done it in the past and I fear that I will continue.
The way I praise God has also been affected in a similar way. I'm afraid to sing to God in front of others. I'm afraid people will see me and realize that all too often, my behavior just doesn't line up with the words I sing. I'm proclaiming one thing with my mouth and another with my actions. The concern itself seems to be legitimate, but my motivation is entirely wrong. Rather than worrying about people thinking I'm a terrible person, I should be concerned with bringing glory to God. When unbelievers watch me, they shouldn't see a hypocritical Christian, they should see someone fully devoted to God in words and actions. My sole motivation for doing anything should be to glorify God in everything I do.
I'm sure that if I would just live that way, then all these problems of pride and hypocrisy would be overcome. I would have no problems witnessing to people because in doing so, I would be glorifying God and potentially being used to further His kingdom. Whether by talking to someone about God or just living as an example of Christ's love, God would use me because of my willingness to glorify Him always. But as much as I want to say that I've reached that point, I'm just not there yet.
1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
This verse says to me that every single thing we do has the potential to glorify God. We have hundreds if not thousands of opportunities every day to glorify God. Even at the most seemingly insignificant moments, we can choose to glorify Him. I've been awake for about 6 hours today and cant think of a single thing I've done to bring glory to His name. No matter what I'm doing, I want to be living my life for Him. I want to stop wasting time thinking about myself and start living a life of worship. I want to be used, but I first need to be willing.
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