My Desire is to Seek Him: Struggling (from previous blog)

I've been struggling with something pretty big lately. Though I desire to want to do what is right and good and godly, I seem only to want what I know is wrong. My desires for these things have recently been outweiging my desire to do right so much so, that even in the moment when I am doing what I should not be doing I think about Christ's suffering for me and how much I am hurting Him and yet I push Him out of my mind and continue to sin.

My desires right now couln't be further from God's. I want to return to where I was not long ago when I truly wanted to please Him. Now, I claim to want conviction. But when I am convicted of something, I ignore the conviction without thinking twice. No wonder it is becoming so hard for me to hear God speak to me. I have become so used to blocking His voice out or just ignoring Him that I probably don't always notice when He speaks to me now.

Before I started writing this post Romans 7 came to mind. At least Paul's desires were in the right place, even if he wasn't always able to resist sin. At least his aim was to please God. I long to long for that again but right now that's not where I am. Even worse is that I know exactly how to get back to that point and I know that it is the right thing to do, but I'm not sure that's what I'm going to do.